She wants to attend an expensive college, but he wants to quit his high-paying management job and open a restaurant.īelow are four detailed examples of perpetual marital conflicts. The challenge comes when dreams conflict with one another: She wants their children to grow up near her family, but he wants to work for an international firm and travel the world.
GRIDLOCK DEFINITION HOW TO
Instead, they both share their desires and goals, then work out together how to fulfill them. Neither partner should be expected to bury dreams or insist that the other give up his or hers.
Happy couples realize it's important to support and join each other's dreams. For example, underlying the practical dream of owning a home may be the profound dream of personal independence. Dreams, by Gottman's definition, are "the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life." 1 Dreams can be practical or profound, or a combination of both. Generally, gridlocked conflicts are a sign that one or both of you have deep dreams that aren't being respected or realized. The first step in overcoming gridlock is to find the root cause of your conflict. Hopes and Dreams: The Root Cause of Gridlocked Problems Once you're able to do that, you can learn to live with almost any perpetual problem. Your goal, according to researcher John Gottman, is to move "from gridlock to dialogue." He says couples need to "declaw" a gridlocked problem-to take the pain out of the issue so you can talk about it without hurting each other.
Many couples learn to deal with their gridlocked problems and build happy, successful relationships.Ī key to dealing with a gridlocked problem is to remember that you don't have to solve the problem. Do you feel hopelessly stuck over a problem that you and your spouse just can't solve? If so, learning to cope with the conflict may seem impossible, and you might fear your relationship is doomed.
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